Crisis in relationships by years of marriage: first year and decades

Anna Tanakova

City Novosibirsk

Clinical psychologist, art gestalt therapist, psychologist-consultant on issues of parent-child relationships, psychologist at the April Center for Psychological and Pedagogical Assistance to Youth, host of the sand therapy studio “Miracles on the Sand” at the Lukomorye Early Development Center

Family is the warmth of the family hearth, love, care for loved ones, a source of inspiration, a territory of spiritual warmth. But family life can also be extremely difficult, and at times even unbearable. After all, a family is a living organism that tends to grow, get sick, change, and experience its crises. Some experience such changes acutely and painfully, jeopardizing the existence of their family, while others go through a series of trials more constructively, step by step becoming closer and dearer to each other. What rules should be followed so that crises in family life are a reason for developing and strengthening relationships, and not harbingers of an approaching breakup? Let's figure it out together.

Crisis of the first year: from romance to everyday life

Young spouses face their first serious test after the first year of marriage. Feelings for each other are no longer as bright as at the beginning of the relationship, and we begin to notice that other halves have not only advantages. A husband, for example, may be an early bird, and a wife a night owl. He is an avid homebody, and she is a lover of outdoor activities. And everyday problems like a leaky tap are increasingly adding their own fly in the ointment.

What to do?

We are different, we are equal. Understand that, despite the fact that you are now one family, you still remain two different people, with your own habits, tastes and views. “Re-educating” a spouse is an unpromising task, and it is also a sure way to ruin a relationship.

From monologue to dialogue. Determine for yourself the fundamental issues on which you are not ready to concede, and those that are not so significant. Be sure to discuss what really worries you, because otherwise it is simply impossible to resolve the brewing conflict.

Respect is the foundation of marriage. Try not to blame, avoid generalizations: “You always...”. It’s better to say: “I’m sad and lonely because you’re at home less and less on weekends.” And never criticize your loved one in public, because if he did that to you, you obviously wouldn’t like it.

We all come from childhood. Refer to the experience of your parents. By immersing yourself in childhood memories, you may make interesting discoveries about why you or your partner behave the way they do. The experience taken from the parental family is very important. Analyze what exactly from this experience you want to transfer to your family and what not. These tips will help you overcome the crisis of 1 year of family life.

Crises in family life are natural stages in the formation and development of a family. You should not take the generally accepted time limits of a crisis literally (a crisis of one year or seven years) - they are arbitrary. For some married couples, a relationship crisis may begin a little earlier, while for others later.

Preventing a crisis: a set of rules

There is a set of rules that wise couples follow throughout their lives. By following it, you will not only pass through all periods of crisis, but also live happily until the Golden Wedding.

• Don't leave any doubts. Discuss your problems with your partner. Don’t accumulate or keep negativity within yourself. Your partner can't read minds. He can help if you tell him about your experiences.
• Don't distance yourself from your partner if he wants to spend his time with you. Be kind and share your problems and feelings. Do not resort to manipulation of prohibitions and sex to realize your interests.
• Think what you say. Do not blame your partner during a conflict, try to smooth out the corners.
• Don't try to impose your interests. Have respect and try to understand and accept the traditions of his family.
• Become the foundation on your loved one's life path.
• Strengthen your family by expanding mutual interests and hobbies. Create your own world.
• You can always find something new in a person, strengthen your relationship. This applies to both body and soul. Sex can be done in such a way that it won’t be shown in any Kama Sutra. Engage in self-development and improve yourself. This way, you will always be as interesting to your partner as he is to you.

Are there any readers who have survived all the crises of family life and are happy in their marriage? Share your life stories of overcoming crisis moments in the comments.

Three-year crisis: school for young parents

The next crisis of 3 years of family life usually occurs in the fourth year of marriage, because most often it is during this period that the first-born appears in the family. And this is not only a great joy, but also a serious test. The usual way of life is changing dramatically. A woman usually devotes herself to the child, and the financial support of the family falls entirely on the shoulders of men. All the woman’s attention during this period is devoted to the baby, and the husband sometimes begins to feel out of place in his own home. Lack of money, sleepless nights - all this significantly impacts relationships.

What to do?

One for two life. To survive the crisis of 3 years of marriage, you need to actively involve your husband in household chores. A man, for example, can take on the purchase of groceries and some of the housework. Yes, he may not succeed the first time. He may buy the wrong milk or wash the floor wrong. However, this is a matter of skill and nothing more. The well-being of the family greatly depends on the tactfulness of a woman and the willingness of a man to come to the rescue.

Returning to each other. Spouses have to re-establish the intimate sphere of their relationship. Hormonal changes in a woman’s body, increased fatigue, complete immersion in caring for the baby, of course, affect the quality and quantity of intimacy. And a man, overwhelmed by the joy of fatherhood, sometimes begins to see his wife exclusively as the mother of his child. Be patient, be attentive to each other, and do not hesitate to discuss issues that concern you.

Not mom's or dad's, but ours. Try to take care of the child together. Help your husband overcome fear and uncertainty about the fragility of the baby. Bath your child together, go for walks with him, and visit pediatricians. Do not interrupt your husband’s attempts to show concern for the baby, even if they are clumsy. Gently explain or show how to do it correctly, thus helping your husband become a Pope with a capital D.

Grandma is in a hurry to help! Don't neglect the help of your new grandparents. Thanks to them, you can get out to your favorite restaurant or cinema from time to time. Having a pleasant time together will help you step away a little from the roles of mom and dad and refresh your marital relationship.

Years of marriage development

• During courtship, the couple exhibits high flexibility and connectedness.
• When people get married, they basically reproduce the pattern of relationships that is present in the family of their parents. If these types do not coincide, then “grinding in” begins, the development of a new joint style of relationship.
• The first year of marriage is spent structuring the family. Roles and responsibilities are distributed, rules and regulations are formed. At the same time, emotional closeness and cohesion are maintained.
• At the time of pregnancy, the family becomes fragmented. The woman is focused on pregnancy, and the man is focused on work.
• After the birth of a child, a chaotic relationship is observed. It takes about a year to stabilize and adapt to the new family structure.
• The family becomes divided. The woman spends time with the child, and the man spends time at work.

Each of these stages is dangerous due to crises, but they can be avoided if spouses know how to communicate.

Fifth year crisis: family and career

Maternity leave is being replaced by everyday work, and at the same time many questions about how to combine family and professional life. It can be very difficult for a woman to get involved in the work process again, and the child is still small and requires a lot of attention. A woman does not have enough energy and time to do everything. She is exhausted physically and mentally, and this does not add happiness to family life. This situation is typical for a crisis of 5 years of marriage.

What to do?

We agree “on the shore”. To get through this stage less painfully, you need to redistribute responsibilities in advance. For example, a wife can take charge of cooking, and the husband will keep order in the house. One of the spouses can take the child to kindergarten, and the other can pick it up. The more questions like these you solve in advance, the easier you will get through this crisis. Of course, at first discomfort is inevitable, but gradually you will get used to the new order.

Don't overestimate your capabilities. Of course, a woman has every right to professional self-realization. However, it is worth understanding that if you set your sights on “great things” during this period, you can get pretty overextended. The child is still small and urgently needs you; not even the most loving grandmother or kindergarten can replace a mother. By leaving home when your child is still sleeping and returning when he is already asleep, you risk missing many significant moments of his growing up. Therefore, it may be worth postponing the climb to career Everest until the child is at least three years old.

Support and more support. Trust, support and mutual assistance are very important at this moment. The opportunity to sit in the kitchen in the evening with a cup of tea, sharing problems and sincerely empathizing with each other is the key to a strong relationship. If each spouse tries not to withdraw into himself, but is ready to accept support from a loved one and come to the rescue in a timely manner, not a single crisis can destroy such a union.

Crisis of the seventh year: peace and quiet

One of the most acute periods is the crisis of relationships after 7 years of marriage, despite the external calm and well-being of the family. The children are growing up, life is settled, responsibilities are distributed. The former passion and romance in relationships is no longer there, family life is increasingly reminiscent of an endless “Groundhog Day”, and spouses become bored with each other. During this period, betrayal is not uncommon. Men, having an affair on the side, most often do not want to leave their nest, but simply crave fresh impressions. But women, on the contrary, having reached a certain boiling point, can leave their husbands and plunge into the abyss of new passions.

What to do?

Is someone else's honey really that sweet? An affair on the side can shake things up and give you fresh impressions. However, the price of such adventures is incredibly high. Betrayal can destroy everything good and dear that was in the family once and for all. Another way is to move away from the usual stereotypes and bring something new and interesting into the relationship for both. This is the only way your relationship with your loved one will sparkle with new colors.

Stay within range. If you get the feeling that everyone lives on their own, and family communication is increasingly reduced to issues of raising children and everyday troubles, it’s time to think seriously. Don’t withdraw into your shell: talk about what worries you, share your dreams, give each other pleasant surprises for no reason.

Non-childish problems. Whatever difficulties arise in the relationship, try not to involve children in them. You should not manipulate children in order to put pressure on your spouse. Moreover, you should not make the decision to have another child alone, especially if your husband does not want this at all. Such a way to save a marriage is actually nothing more than a deception, fraught with far from pleasant consequences for the whole family.

Look for common ground. Having a common hobby greatly unites spouses, making them like-minded people and a team. A common hobby - alpine skiing, tango lessons, hiking - awakens interest in each other and refreshes feelings.

8 symptoms that are dangerous for the family:

1. The desire of spouses for intimacy decreases.
2. Spouses no longer strive to please each other.
3. All issues related to raising children provoke quarrels and mutual reproaches.
4. Spouses do not have the same opinion on most issues that matter to them (relationships with family and friends, plans for the future, distribution of family income).
5. Husband and wife poorly understand (or do not understand at all) each other's feelings.
6. Almost all actions and words of a partner cause irritation.
7. One of the spouses believes that he is forced to constantly yield to the wishes and opinions of the other.
8. There is no need to share your problems and joys with your partner.

The crisis of '14: gray hair in the beard, demon in the rib

This family crisis often coincides with the teenage crisis of a son or daughter, making the ordeal even more difficult. The child makes you quite nervous, defending his independence, and the husband is entering that age when he is no longer too young, but not yet old, and also sometimes resembles a arrogant teenager. The crisis of forty-year-olds is characterized by a desire to prolong the period of youth, when it is attractive, sexy, full of strength and hope. It is during this period that men often go to great lengths, hitting on young beauties.

What to do?

Stay on your toes. Often women forget to take care of themselves, believing that it is no longer so important. Not true! Take care of yourself, develop, live a rich life. The man of such a woman is proud of his wife and at the same time remains on guard. Seeing each other as man and woman is vital to a relationship.

Me + you = us. Bring something new into life, but at the same time keep family traditions dear to your heart. Try to solve some issues together, be it repairs or raising a child. Don't demand or blame, but ask for help, while demonstrating how significant it is to you.

This too shall pass. It’s worth being patient - the crisis will end someday, and the value of family will acquire a new, deeper meaning for yesterday’s adventurer and today’s exemplary family man.

Crisis of '25: empty nest

This is perhaps one of the last significant and painful crises in the life of a family. The career has already been built, the children have grown up and created their own families, and, perhaps, have already pleased them with grandchildren. Left in an “empty nest,” spouses may feel that the threads connecting them are now completely lost. Few people in such a situation get officially divorced, but the actual collapse of the relationship can hang a silent curtain in the house.

What to do?

Be nostalgic. Remember how it all began, how your feelings arose, what the joy was from having your loved one nearby. At that time there were no children in the family yet, but their absence did not at all prevent them from feeling close and significant to each other.

Master new family roles. Now you are grandparents, and this is a great happiness. Enjoy these moments together and you will feel twice as happy.

Make your dreams come true. You've worked hard, and now is the time to give yourself permission to live for your own pleasure. Make your dreams come true. Do you dream of traveling? This means it’s time to start planning your route and setting out for new experiences. Tired of the city? Get a summer house and enjoy moments of silence and the opportunity to plant the flower garden of your dreams under your window. Look for what is close to both of you and bring it to life.

Causes of crises

Crises in relationships are distributed over the years and are an integral part of human life. Just yesterday you were a show family to all your friends. Today you irritate each other and become enemies. Clinging to your partner over all sorts of trifles, you look for flaws in him, forgetting about all the good moments that you lived together. The main thing here is for both partners to stay afloat and survive this difficult period, after which you can rise to a new level of family happiness.

Each crisis is nothing more than their deeper development. Finding the real reasons will be a difficult task. In one family the reason will be considered insignificant. In another marriage, this reason will become a stumbling block that will put an end to the relationship.