Mother-in-law, her son, daughter-in-law - is there a chance for peaceful coexistence?
If the relationship with your husband’s mother resembles a battlefield on which each side wants to grab its own piece of happiness, then you need to choose the right military strategy. Since the man (her child) has long since started his own family, the “mother” is very jealous of the one with whom her son lives. Sometimes relationships deteriorate because of a new baby in the family: when the “older” woman wants to teach the “younger” woman, conflicts begin and the general mood in the house collapses.
Causes of conflicts between daughters-in-law and mother-in-law
Mother-in-law - translated from other Russian as “one’s own blood”, “everyone’s blood”. Many will probably agree with the last meaning.
Even when you first meet your husband’s mother, you can say with confidence whether she will take an active part in your life. Understanding the mother-in-law's character, temperament, manner and methods of communication is very important to maintain peace in the family.
If a woman who raised her husband has already retired and feels good, she has plenty of free time and energy to raise her grandchildren. For some this is help, but for others it is torment. This is especially true for women who are accustomed to leading.
But, if both women are initially positive towards each other, they have every chance of building a harmonious relationship.
Why did the scythe land on a stone?
There are several global reasons for the fact that the “second mother” does not have sympathy for her daughter-in-law.
Jealousy and competition for the love of a son
Everything is also understandable if you look not with an offended, but with a human gaze. It was not easy for her, there was a difficult pregnancy with eternal fears, and sleepless nights with illnesses, and the anxieties of adolescence, and possible conflicts with the boy’s father.
Family violence
In general, this is the project and victory of a lifetime. Is it easy to entrust your hard-earned happiness to some stranger? The situation becomes more complicated if on the other side of the barricades there is a powerful lady with vague ideas about other people's borders. Or a complete selfish woman who never grew up, entrusting the care of herself to her son. Or an overly selfless mother who masterfully creates a feeling of guilt for her maternal feat. It’s no longer sweet, but there are still pitfalls.
The difference in generations, therefore the difference in views
What you consider modern and normal looks wild to her. Do you spend a lot on travel? Yes, how can you? Do you use the services of cleaning companies for general cleaning of your home once every six months? Oh, you white-handed and spender. Did you put your swollen husband (her golden boy) on a diet and send him to the gym? You don't have a heart. Accept: it is almost impossible to instill new values in a person from another era.
Stereotypes and bad expectations
Hand on heart, how many impeccably happy families do you know? In one, the head of the family is a slacker, in another he is an infantile, in the third he is a womanizer and a spendthrift. Many of your friends are divorced, you sympathize, looking at the situation through their eyes.
Conflicts in the family
But there is another opinion, for example, the same men and their mothers. They are sure of the opposite, that the man is an innocent victim. He, affectionate and vulnerable, gave his heart to some rogue, or rather, she deceived him into marrying her. She gave birth to children and now requires help, support and not to throw away her socks. Since the phenomenon is widespread, negative stereotypes have taken root: only problems are expected from daughters-in-law.
How to understand whether the mother-in-law is violating boundaries in her relationship with her daughter-in-law - test
If someone suspects two or three of the following violations, then it may be worth reviewing the rules of behavior with your mother-in-law:
- Actively interferes with the personal life and space of a young family.
- He imposes his point of view regarding washing, cleaning, and cooking.
- I am sure that my daughter-in-law will not be able to cope with the baby.
- Appears in the house without calling or warning.
- He walks around the apartment like an “inspector”.
- Does not coordinate his actions with the child’s parents.
- Inserts “dirty” remarks, such as: “you’re spoiling me,” “you’re feeding me wrong,” etc.
“The work of the drowning people themselves”
In order not to burn your nervous system to the ground, you need to come out of the situation as a winner. A preserved psyche and, preferably, a family are considered a victory; you can make efforts for them.
Under the same roof
Do you share living space with your mother-in-law? You can sympathize. If you are on her territory, the confrontation escalates: she is not only the queen mother, but also the mistress.
It is better if you and your husband immediately start living separately. But if this is not yet possible, make every effort to purchase your home in the near future. Believe me, it will be easier for you just from the realization that every day brings you closer to moving into your own apartment.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
If you are temporarily forced to live on your mother-in-law’s territory, do not hesitate on the very first day to clearly define the boundaries of what is permitted and the territory in which you will only be considered a full-fledged owner. For example, your room is your personal space, where you are free to organize everything at your own discretion. Also, immediately agree with your mother-in-law about things that are categorically unacceptable to you.
Crazy about my son
Often there is such a thing as emotional dependence on a son, especially when he is the only child whom the mother raised on her own. The same “symptoms” arise at a later age, for example after the death of a husband, during periods of loneliness and retirement. The parent unleashes all the released energy on her son - she cares, takes care, demands communication and, at the same time, accuses the daughter-in-law of not loving her boy enough.
Mother-in-law with son
When faced with your mother-in-law's suffering from attention deficit, do not reinvent the wheel and waste time on irritation. The “second mother” wants communication, which means she will get it. Let her son talk to her heartily on the phone, go to visit her, visit her grandchildren in the company, help around the house and eat her signature casserole. Of course, sometimes you will be annoyed that she is “pulling the rope on herself,” but this is the best possible scenario.
Generation Conflict
The mother-in-law is a typical conservative due to her old age, and you, due to your character (and young age), are not able to give up even an inch of your native land. This obnoxious woman stuffs her grandson (your child) with sweets, calls her barbarians for diapers, rolls her eyes at current fashion, and almost spits on the TV when your priceless series is shown.
TV series The Big Bang Theory
Perhaps this is the most difficult case, since the conflict between fathers and children is surprisingly tenacious. And here, as a rule, there are two options for the development of events: stand your ground or give in. But the “second mother” is not an ordinary annoying fellow traveler on a tram, so that you can snort in response and forget.
Therefore, in order to avoid the repetition of unpleasant situations, it is important to be able to correctly defend your position if the issue is fundamental to you, and to easily concede on what is not so important.
At the mercy of stereotypes
Experts in family conflicts have found that almost 60% of quarrels between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law occur because they are initially set up for discord. After all, it is known that one cannot expect good from such communication, so - “weapons for battle!”
Try to keep an open mind about things. Would you argue until you are hoarse if the opposing point of view were expressed not by “his precious mother,” but by a stranger? They would probably shrug their shoulders and not get involved in the debate. Nothing prevents you from doing the same here.
Photo by Marina Khrapova on Unsplash
True, it will not be easy at first: you will answer for yourself and maintain neutrality, but what about the other side that is inciting a quarrel? Be silent, smile, avoid the conflict by all means: having lost your opponent, the mother-in-law will gradually cool down to quarrels.
Double the Joy
According to statistics, most mothers are not happy with the way they raised their sons. The point is that many young women did not have the opportunity to devote the maximum amount of time to their children. Work, worries, endless routine - all this did not allow me to enjoy the happiness of motherhood. The sons have grown into real men, but mothers are still sad about the times when they were not given something. And now there is an opportunity to compensate for this by paying attention to raising grandchildren.
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There is already a lot of wisdom, experience, more free time (material opportunities). And only a mature and intelligent mother-in-law will make sure that she is always a welcome guest in her son’s house. And if the daughter-in-law is happy with her, this will guarantee the possibility of atonement for those gaps that were allowed in her son’s childhood. The happiness of being a mother for both spouses (many mothers-in-law consider their daughters-in-law to be daughters), as well as a loving grandmother for grandchildren, is the ultimate desire of truly wise women.
All women experience a critical attitude towards themselves from their husband's parents.
The psychology of a mother is this: she loves her son and exaggerates his merits. Ask any mother about her child, you will probably hear only praise.
If there is a dubious spot on his biography, the mother will quickly find an excuse for this and endow her son with unheard-of nobility. Of course, any daughter-in-law will lose against his background.
Conflict can also stem from banal jealousy. All parents know that sooner or later their children will leave the wing and begin to build their own lives.
But the affection that has existed between mother and son for many years cannot be easily weakened. It’s easier for a young man to do this - his psyche is quite flexible, and love for his wife helps.
And a mother may perceive her son’s marriage as the departure of a loved one to another woman, a relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Interestingly, the relationship between a daughter-in-law and her father-in-law almost never comes into the field of psychology.
This is explained by the fact that men are less emotional and their actions (especially in adulthood) are dictated by considerations of rationality, and not by feelings.
The husband's father understands and accepts the fact that his boy has grown up and needs a wife.
The third reason lies in the physiology of a woman. Often the time when her son creates his family coincides with a period of hormonal changes in her body - menopause.
This physiological process affects all systems of the body, including the nervous system. The woman becomes hot-tempered, irritable, and extremely emotional.
It is very difficult for her to cope with her condition, and sometimes impossible. 65-80% of women experiencing menopause also have problems in psychology: they realize that old age has gotten to them and worry about it.
The marriage of her son only aggravates the situation - the woman begins to realize that soon she will inevitably have to change the role of mother to the role of grandmother.
And the daughter-in-law by her very appearance reminds her mother-in-law of her age and thereby causes completely undeserved irritation.
