A wedding is one of the most joyful and happiest events in the life of people who love each other. But sometimes the preparation does not always go well, or does not begin at all. One of the main problems is parental disagreement. Judging by a survey on the social network Vkontakte, it is the mother-in-law who becomes the object of the ban on entering into an official marriage. And what to do in this case?
Psychologists say that the problem of parents prohibiting marriage is common. You need to approach this more simply, but also with caution.
What phrases can you hear?
“She’s not your match!” , is one of the most common arguments of mothers-in-law, who are sure that the daughter-in-law is not suitable for her son in terms of social status or some other criterion in her opinion. For example, a girl from a poor family, no higher education, came from the village, already has a child, does not work, etc. There can be many reasons not to give a blessing. After all, the mother-in-law evaluates all the advantages and disadvantages of the future daughter-in-law.
But, as a rule, it is possible to achieve a certain social status, although it will take a lot of time.
And it’s better to answer provocative questions calmly and not snap back. Even a small lie is allowed. For example, if there is no job, then say that there is an interview tomorrow or that a vacancy has already been found.
“She’s 10 years older than you! This is not love, but a marriage of convenience.” Often this argument is also made. After all, few people want there to be a significant age difference. But love clouds the mind, and it is useless to say anything against your other half. Love for all ages. However, it will be difficult to convince your mother-in-law.
There are several examples in show business where someone is married who is several years older than someone else. For example, Maxim and Alla Pugacheva Galkin, Bruce Willis and Emma Khemin, Evgeni Plushenko and Yana Rudkovskaya, Anton Komarov and Anna Sedokova, Dmitry Peskov and Lolita Milyavskaya, Alexander Nesterov and Nona Grishaeva, Igor Makarov and Lera Kudryavtseva. In fact, the list of celebrity couples with a significant age difference is long. What can we say about ordinary people? Of course, this is also not an argument for the future mother-in-law. But you can try to explain.
“You haven’t built a career yet, you’re not ready for family life.” Perhaps the algorithm that she has built for herself is important for the mother-in-law: first school, then college, then work and climbing the career ladder. And when the son is just a student or has just gotten a well-paid job, the mother doesn’t really want him to immerse himself in family life. But love does not tolerate plans and algorithms. Either you have feelings or you don’t.
A career can also be built in a family, especially if the spouse is a wise and understanding woman. It is no coincidence that the English proverb says: “Behind every great man there is a great woman.” So, in the family you can succeed in all matters and endeavors. The main thing is support, mutual understanding and love. Then all difficulties will be overcome and the goals set will be achieved. Do not forget that it is women who contribute to a man’s success.
“As long as you are not able to provide for yourself, what kind of family are you talking about?” A phrase that degrades the honor and dignity of a man. Such words cannot be said. Thus, the mother shows that her son is not capable of anything. First of all, she humiliates not only her son, but also herself. After all, his mother-in-law raised him this way, according to her, incompetent! Moreover, such phrases negatively affect a man’s psyche, which contributes to depression, breakdowns and aggression. So, it is not recommended to put psychological pressure on your son.
And the future family, in order to prove the seriousness of their intentions, needs to clearly show their work and start earning so much money that the mother-in-law will no longer have financial issues.
“We won’t pay for the wedding.” Many couples in love end their relationship at this very moment, when parents refuse to help financially in organizing the wedding. On the one hand, parents can be understood. After all, not everyone has good savings. On the other hand, they don’t want to help because the daughter-in-law is not happy with it.
Here the solution is simple: either simple non-ceremonial registration, or save, or take out a loan.
“Her character is not sweet, you will suffer.” Each person's character is individual. And it’s stupid to blame a person for this. Some people like it, some don't. Actually, it’s not for a mother-in-law to live with her son’s chosen one.
It's difficult to give practical advice here. In any case, the daughter-in-law should be a little more modest, but at the same time not be offended. And the future husband is obliged to protect his beloved.
"She's cheating on you." A popular phrase of many mothers-in-law who no longer have any arguments left against their daughter-in-law. Moreover, sometimes there really is evidence: photographs, videos or correspondence. In most cases, the mother-in-law herself makes every effort to discredit the honor of the future daughter-in-law. And sometimes it works!
In this case, you should not arrange a showdown with your mother-in-law. If there is the slightest suspicion that she might do this, it is better to limit communication. But the best option is to try not to cross paths at all or to move further away.
In fact, these are not all the popular phrases of mothers-in-law, the purpose of which is to interfere with the wedding in any way. It is important here not to respond with anger to all negative statements addressed to you. Of course, there are mothers-in-law who smile sweetly when they meet, but speak impartially behind their back. But there are few of them. Still, women tend to express themselves emotionally. This means that it is possible to track her attitude towards the upcoming wedding.
Likewise, the reasons for parental disapproval may be much more complex than is commonly believed. On the one hand, the acquired life experience can indeed help to more adequately and objectively approach the assessment of the person who has appeared in their life. On the other hand, experience differs from experience, and a parent who himself has negative baggage in his personal life may be deliberately negatively biased in his assessments and judgments. For example, a mother, who throughout her life has not been able to build a successful relationship with her husband or husbands, may carry the attitude that “all men are assholes,” and from the same position have a negative attitude towards her future son-in-law, regardless on what kind of person he really is and how suitable or unsuitable he is for her daughter. In addition, banal parental jealousy can also influence the rejection of the other potential other half of your child. If a daughter or son is prevented from looking objectively at their chosen one by a feeling of love, then a parent can also be hindered by jealousy, especially when it comes to the excessive love of fathers for daughters and mothers for sons. Therefore, the objectivity and sobriety of the parent's judgment may also be questioned, and the opinion that the parent is always right may also diverge from reality.
The idea that a child “flies out of the nest”, begins to build his own life, and is no longer influenced by his parents in any way, in most cases turns out to be wrong. Exceptions are situations when parents and children, for some reason, completely cut off contact with each other, “cross out” each other from their lives. In other cases, even occasionally communicating on the phone, children and parents actively interact and mutually influence each other.
A parent, disapproving of the choice of his child, in most cases does not even proceed from the assessment of “bad” or “good”; most often, disapproval consists of such formulations as: “he is not suitable for my daughter”, “she is not a match for my son”, “not like us”, etc. In this way, the parent voices the high probability, in his opinion, of the impossibility of including this person both in his family circle and in the future potential family scenario of his child due to the fact that this person in one way or another does not meet the expected or necessary requirements. Based on these judgments, the parent consciously or unconsciously forms a negative scenario for the development of the relationship between his son or daughter and a potential spouse.
It is precisely this programming for a negative development of events that can actually develop into just such a (negative) scenario. This does not mean that a parent will deliberately destroy his child’s marriage (although in some cases such options are not excluded), it’s just that an attitude towards a negative scenario will manifest itself every time at the so-called key moments in the family life of a son or daughter. In any quarrel, crisis family situation, at any turning point in the child’s family life, the parent will express his opinion about the unsuccessful choice of a partner in word, gesture, or behavior. This can manifest itself in different ways: from a subtle hint to classically pathetic speeches: “I told you so, daughter!” Parents are not capable of destroying a stable, self-confident family, a strong, strong relationship, but in families where there are problems, where the spouses themselves may not be completely confident in their relationship, the parental attitude towards divorce may well outweigh the desire to save the family.
What if my husband's parents don't want to go to the wedding?
As a rule, if there are such parents who are conservative in their decisions. And if their opinion is not taken into account, then they refuse to cooperate. There are many reasons why parents refuse to go to a wedding. On various forums you can find real stories and stories. But it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to solve the problem by re-reading a bunch of stories. We must act!
Let's look at a few tips that may help change the opinion of your husband's parents!
1. “Shift responsibility to the future spouse.” In many films, we see how a couple who loves each other tells their parents about the decision to legalize their relationship at the table and over a cup of tea. After which we see a picture where mom and dad are in shock, looking at each other and don’t know what to say. In life everything is a little different. The son says in advance that he wants to get married. If parents are against the wedding, then they carefully begin to hint that this is not the best decision and you need to wait. In the worst case scenario, a scandal begins. In this situation, future brides should not interfere in the relationship between mother and son. They have to figure it out themselves. But your loved one needs to be reminded that he is a man, his decision must be respected, regardless of whether he likes it or not. Simply put, a real man confronts a fact. But this is only if the man is financially independent. The future husband must take full responsibility upon himself and in no case shift it onto his beloved woman or parents.
2. “Give arguments in your favor.” For example, talk about a healthy lifestyle, the ability to cook well, or a promotion in falsehood at work. You can also praise your loved one. Namely: to say that he has golden hands, children are drawn to him, his neighbors love him. The goal is to try to make the mother-in-law see the sincerity of feelings, love, and understanding. It is important for mothers that their children are happy. So, it's worth trying! She must understand that her son will not find a better wife than this.
3. “Gifts and praise are the boss of everything.” It's no secret that women enjoy receiving compliments. And it’s even more pleasant when people praise or give gifts for no reason. But this should be done not a week before the wedding, but from the moment they meet. If your mother-in-law bought herself a dress or blouse, then you definitely need to say that the item perfectly emphasizes her figure. I baked a pie or cake, so I must say that I have never tasted such deliciousness anywhere. Regarding gifts, everything is also simple. Flowers, sweets, gift certificates or just a homemade dish will pleasantly please your mother. But it is important not to overdo it and know when to stop everything.
Of course, if possible, you need to please your husband's parents. However, if from the first minutes you feel humiliation and suppression of personal qualities in the words, then you should stop communicating. Then talk to your loved one and try to solve the problem. But again, in no way should you arrange a showdown with his mother on your own.
Parents are against our wedding
Hello, Evgeniya.
I had a feeling of warmth and trust in your decision when I read your message. There is an assumption that you and your partner carefully approached your decision.
It is traditionally believed that parents, having richer life experience, can more objectively consider the chosen one or chosen one of their child.
On the other hand, experience differs from experience, and a parent who himself has negative baggage in his personal life may be deliberately negatively biased in his assessments and judgments.
For example, a mother, who throughout her life has not been able to build a successful relationship with her husband or husbands, may carry the attitude that “all men are assholes,” and from the same position have a negative attitude towards her future son-in-law, regardless on what kind of person he really is and how suitable or unsuitable he is for her daughter.
In addition, banal parental jealousy can also influence the rejection of the other potential other half of your child.
For example, if a daughter or son is prevented from looking objectively at their chosen one by a feeling of love, then a parent may also be hindered by jealousy, especially when it comes to the excessive love of fathers for daughters and mothers for sons.
Therefore, the objectivity and sobriety of the parent's judgment may also be questioned, and the opinion that the parent is always right may also diverge from reality.
There is an assumption that your parents projected their destiny onto you and are very afraid that you will repeat their “path”. Often, instead of looking into their lives and changing something there, parents try to influence the child’s life - as if - “live through him”.
It’s like an internal opportunity to sort out your life, to admit something to yourself or to each other, or to tell your partner about what you’re not happy with (they say, why do we live like this, we don’t rest, we’re still working, or I’m so sorry that got married early, got married), so they are trying to influence the child’s life, not their own.
This is a common misconception of parents, as if they have no rights to their personal life, no opportunities.
In general, it would be good to talk separately with your dad and separately with your mother, and ask - What exactly does he (she) expect from your marriage? What is his (her) scenario for the development of your relationship? What exactly is he afraid of?
It is quite possible that they will share their experience and you will find out the reasons for their increased anxiety. Thank them for the experience they gave you and use it in your destiny.
It is important for parents to understand that they have fulfilled their function: they gave birth, fed, raised. Their mission ended there. There comes a time when children stop listening to their parents, they develop a personal life and desires that they strive to satisfy.
This means that the point has come when you need to let the child go, let him go through life on his own, allow him to be guided by personal desires, priorities and stereotypes.
But this does not mean that a child cannot rely on the experience of his parents.
Mom is against our wedding (1 answer)
