Armenians are an ancient people with their own cultural history and rich in traditions. They have been protecting them for several centuries, and many of them have survived to this day. One of the most ancient customs of the Armenians is to marry off a bride according to all the rules of their people. This custom has many nuances, for example, the ransom of the bride, her wedding attire, and the ceremony. But the first wedding night among Armenians is especially important. Since this is a matter of honor not only for the bride, but also for her parents and the entire family.
How did Armenian matchmaking work?
Matchmaking among Armenians is a tradition. But not all of them have survived to this day.
However, in ancient times it looked like this:
- The bride was chosen by the groom's parents. The young man and girl were not given the right to choose a spouse.
- The first meeting of the bride's parents took place with one of the groom's relatives. The latter agreed on the date of arrival of the matchmakers.
- A relative of the groom, well known to both families, came to the first matchmaking ceremony. The bride's family greeted him with family warmth and respect. But according to tradition, they refused to marry off the bride.
- Many relatives from the bride and groom’s side gathered for the second matchmaking. Since the second meeting was more significant, there were more treats. The groom's relatives were greeted with all honors and tried to show how much they appreciated their arrival. At this meeting, the bride's parents agreed to the union of the children.
KNOWLEDGE BASE: Wedding decoration with paper flowers
“What the sheet will show.” How ancient wedding traditions of the Caucasus haunt modern women
A wedding, one of the happiest events in life for many, is often a nightmare for women in countries with strong patriarchal traditions. In Azerbaijan, where marriages decided by parents are still common, ancient customs turn this day into mental and physical torture of the bride, the consequences of which can be felt for years.
“When after the wedding he began to undress in front of me, I was scared,” Elmira (name changed at the request of the heroine) recalls her first wedding night. “And no matter how much I thought that I was already married and this was going to happen, it didn’t calm me down at all - I just knew that right now I also had to undress.”
At that time, Elmira was 27 years old, she graduated from university and worked as a translator. Her parents chose her husband. She agreed to marry him to “please her mother.” “He was just our neighbor, we had different views, he had no education, we had nothing in common,” she recalls. “My brothers introduced me to him and said that he was a good guy. Mom was happy that, having married a neighbor, I would be in her sight all the time.”
Several times Elmira told her mother that she did not want to start a family now. The mother told her relatives about this, and they began to put pressure on her. “And I was already 27, and they began to suspect that suddenly I was not a virgin, since I didn’t want to get married,” she says.
But sex on their wedding night was Elmira’s first. Knowing this, her husband was not at all interested in her well-being, she says. He simply leaned on her, and when her head began to hit the closet, a knock and a woman’s shout was heard from the next room: “Hey, be quiet there, what a lack of culture!”
At that moment, Elmira’s mother, two aunts, mother-in-law and another distant relative (the one who knocked and shouted) were sitting outside the door - people traditionally necessary to assure the “act of love” and the bride’s virginity.
“Every sound could be heard,” recalls Elmira. “I was shaking all over with pain and shame and wondered if this was really marriage.”
That same distant relative played the role of “enga” - a married woman who immediately after the wedding goes home to the newlyweds to sit in the next room all night. One of her duties is consultation, since the bride is considered to be a priori ignorant of sex, and therefore has the right to run out of the bedroom to ask for advice from an older and experienced woman.
Another duty of the yengi is to pick up the sheets from the newlyweds' bed.
“The wedding night is shrouded in mysticism”
Demonstration of bed linen the morning after the wedding is a tradition characteristic of many peoples of the Caucasus. Traces of blood on it serve as confirmation of a sexual relationship for relatives. Having seen such “evidence”, relatives congratulate the newlyweds, and only after this the marriage is considered truly completed.
“So the wedding night is often shrouded in mysticism—what the sheet will reveal in the morning,” says Shahla Ismail, a women’s rights researcher in Azerbaijan. “And when the next morning the sheet is shown to relatives, everyone considers it their duty to comment on what they saw.”
If there is no blood on the sheet, the girl can be kicked out and returned to her parents as “defective.” After this, she is considered a “divorcee” - it is often difficult for her to remarry, and she may be bullied in her parents’ home.
Azerbaijani human rights activists say that the tradition of witnessing the first wedding night and presenting the sheet is widespread mainly outside large cities.
Sometimes before the wedding, a girl is tested for her virginity by “specialists” - using a gynecological procedure, the effectiveness of which is questioned by leading international organizations. Last fall, the UN and WHO called for an end to the practice, which persists in at least 20 countries, calling it traumatic and humiliating for women. As noted in the statement, the concept of virginity does not exist in medicine and is only a social, cultural and religious concept.
“The horror overshadowed any shame”
For Elmira, the feelings associated with her wedding night are fear, pain and shame. She heard the lights being turned on and off outside the door and tea being poured; she knew that she and her husband in the other room could also be heard. “I wasn’t myself and was just afraid to say anything,” she recalls. “I didn’t sleep all night, but he didn’t care, so he fell asleep peacefully.”
In the morning, the “witnesses” went into the bedroom to pick up the sheet. “By that time I didn’t care anymore, I understood in my mind how disgusting it all was, but what happened at night, this horror, it overshadowed any shame,” says Elmira. — When a woman gives birth, she doesn’t care whether the gynecologist is a man or a woman. It’s the same here - I knew that everyone would look at this sheet, but I was in such shock that I don’t even remember how it was taken away.”
The tradition of witnesses and sheets is becoming more and more traumatic for women over the years, notes psychologist Ellada Gorina. In the modern world, where more and more people are getting married later and by the time they get married, as a rule, already have an idea about sex, relatives sitting in the next room no longer need to advise the newlyweds, and their role is reduced to verifying the bride’s virginity.
“Until now, for many women, yengya is the norm. In their picture of the world, this is neither good nor bad; in the world where they were born and raised, it was not different,” says Gorina. “Traumatization, conflict and distress occur when new generations of people develop in conditions of greater enlightenment [than their parents].”
Nigar, who used to live in the north of Azerbaijan, recalls that during her wedding night there were not just one or two “consultants” crowded into the next room, but “the whole village.” “I’ve never been so ashamed, but I thought that since it’s customary, perhaps the elders know better,” she says.
According to Nigar, neither she nor her husband had any desire to have sex, because they could hear people “sitting, moving chairs, breathing” outside the door. The next morning they also had to show the sheet.
Then Nigar was 18, now she is just over 30, she is divorced, lives in Baku, and calls her relatives “perverts.”
However, not everyone is able to start a new life, and because of the position of women in patriarchal societies, it is very difficult to change established orders. “It happens that a woman and her husband talk about this [the wedding night], sometimes she is afraid to even open her mouth, and hopes that her husband will begin to behave differently,” says Ellada Gorina. “Here we come to the topic of gender inequality, when women are in an oppressed state.”
"Red Apple"
There is a tradition associated with the sheet in Armenia, Azerbaijan, and sometimes found in Georgia and some republics of the North Caucasus.
The Armenian custom is similar to the Azerbaijani one, except that there are no witnesses outside the door. It's called "red apple" - a subtle reference to blood stains on linen. The tradition here is also observed mainly outside of Yerevan. “The farther from the capital, the “sicker the patient” and the greater the resistance, in some places reaching the point of fanaticism,” says Nina Karapetyants, chairwoman of the Helsinki Association for Human Rights in Armenia.
She recalls cases when, the morning after the first wedding night, relatives and neighbors came to the newlyweds’ bedroom to check the sheets, and then sent baskets with red apples and gifts to the bride’s house. After this, the bride’s relatives could invite their relatives and neighbors and prove that their daughter was “pure and chaste.” “Thus, half the city, and in the villages the entire village, took part in the ritual of humiliation,” says Karapetyants.
In villages, girls are often married off as soon as they turn 18, and many have neither a profession nor a job. If such a girl does not pass the “apple test,” her parents may abandon her.
35-year-old Ani (name changed at the request of the heroine) met her future husband at a party when they were in their early 20s. Despite the fact that both have higher education, they live in Yerevan and married for love, they denied themselves sex before marriage - so as not to raise questions among conservative relatives.
“I was sitting having breakfast in the kitchen - my mother-in-law and women from my husband’s side, aunts, grannies and a couple of close neighbors came,” she recalls the morning after the wedding. “So I sat in another room while the “delegation” did the check.” According to Anya, that morning she rather felt relieved, because now she could live her life without fear of gossip behind her back.
“They didn’t remember that night”
According to psychologist Ellada Gorina, while some people go through this experience relatively easily, for others the trauma can last for years. “There was a case when a person came with another problem, but it turned out that [after the wedding night] there was no blood, and in the middle of the night her entire husband’s family took her to the doctor to check whether she was a virgin or not,” the psychologist recalls. According to her, such an invasion of personal space makes a woman feel like a victim of violence, the consequences of which she then cannot cope with for a long time.
Six months after the wedding, Elmira’s husband died. “For six months we didn’t remember that night,” she says.
After the death of her husband, she no longer had men - according to her, due to a psychological barrier. “I would even be ready to get married or have a relationship, but my past experience stops me,” she says.
Elmira has a ten-year-old son, with whom she talks about sex and tells how the female body works. “I’ll tell him, behave like a human being, and if I ever have a daughter, I’ll tell her, don’t make my mistakes,” she promises herself.
“Now, if I were in that situation now, I would behave differently with him (husband - BBC) and with my aunts,” says Elmira.
Experts from Armenia and Azerbaijan agree that these traditions, albeit slowly, are becoming a thing of the past. “The new generation is ready to fight for their rights,” says Armenian human rights activist Nina Karapetyants. “I know families who refused the ceremony,” notes Azerbaijani researcher Shahla Ismail. “I think these people are brave people and change begins with them.” According to Georgian human rights activists, in their country the custom of using a sheet is practically no longer encountered.
***
Just 30 years ago, weddings were celebrated at home, in a restaurant or in a large tent on the street. Today, even poor families go to special “celebration houses” for this, which grew up in all cities during the years of independence.
In one of these houses in the suburbs of Sumgait, the wedding of Arif and Maleyka (names have been changed) - young people from poor families introduced by relatives - is celebrated. According to tradition, the bride and groom sit separately - on a raised platform, at a single table without alcohol. As if from a pedestal, they watch how their guests - almost 400 people - dance and have fun. No one shouts “bitterly”, the groom does not kiss the bride - it is not customary in front of everyone.
However, with her usual modest, unsmiling appearance, Maleyka did not sit for long - she also went out to dance under the amazed looks of her relatives. The guests whispered and gossiped, calling Maleika impudent and shameless. “Isn’t this a disco!” — one was indignant. “How can you be so immodest, she doesn’t respect traditions,” complained another. The guests did not like that the bride did not pay enough attention to them all, that she preferred to communicate with friends rather than relatives, that she commanded her husband.
But in the end, the tradition reached the newlyweds. When their car drove away from the celebration house, another followed them, in which four tipsy women were sitting.
Maharram Zeynalov, BBC
Wedding customs among Armenians
Armenia is rich in its traditions and customs. The Union of the Young was an important event for everyone and therefore took place according to certain rules established from time immemorial.
And here are a few of them:
- The first wedding night took place in the groom's house;
- On the first night, a man remained at the door of the newlyweds’ room to notify the groom’s parents about the bride’s chastity;
- Before the wedding night, the girl had to hug several of the groom's relatives. And she started with a little boy, so that many children would be born in the marriage;
- Only after the bride and groom are alone in the room will they be considered husband and wife;
- Many people think that Armenians practice Islam, but this is not so. Armenians profess Christianity, and the wedding ceremony takes place according to Christian customs. Of course, some traditions are very different from Russian ones, but the essence remains the same;
- During the wedding ceremony, it is forbidden to shout “bitterly”, and the bride and groom are forbidden to hug and kiss until the first night of marriage;
- All wedding expenses are paid by the husband and his family;
- Traditionally, the bride cannot choose her wedding dress herself. It is chosen by the groom and presented to her as a gift;
- Armenian wedding dresses are practically no different from everyday ones. The only difference is the decoration of the dress; it can be embroidered with gold, silver and jewelry;
KNOWLEDGE BASE: Poems for a wedding that will bring you to tears - how to prepare for a performance (video)
- Also, the bride does not eat, drink, talk or dance during the celebration, only at the end the girl is allowed to dance one dance, but only after the permission of the elder;
- The wedding celebration can last up to a week, unlike Russians, which last two days.
No red apples
About 30% of first sexual intercourse in women is not accompanied by bleeding, gynecologists note. This is explained by the physiology of the hymen (the so-called hymen). However, tradition demands: blood on the sheet is obligatory.
In Armenia, there were cases when the bride was returned to her parents' house because the sheet was clean on the wedding night. One of these cases occurred in the city of Martuni, Gegharkunik region, several years ago. Karina was then working as a nurse in a hospital, where a young girl was brought for a “check.”
“There was a terrible scream in the department. As it turned out, a young girl was brought to a gynecologist for a check-up to find out why she didn’t have any blood after her wedding night,” says Karina.
She recognized this girl as her relative, who came to the hospital accompanied by her husband, mother-in-law and sister-in-law. New relatives accused the girl of “dishonesty” right in the corridor.
“Later I found out that the whole problem was in the anatomical location of the hymen. However, the relationship of the young family was already damaged. Coming out of the gynecologist's office, the girl hit her husband in the face right in the corridor and told his relatives that she was leaving them. Now she is a happy wife - she got married for the second time, but no one knows what happened to that guy and his family. They left,” says Karina.
Armenians' first wedding night
This is a huge event for the bride and groom, and besides them, for the entire village. On this night, the newlyweds become husband and wife. It was important to everyone whether the bride maintained chastity on her wedding night or not. If the bride did not maintain her dignity, then it was a terrible shame for her and her entire family. The groom's parents, having learned about this, sent the bride home with condemnation and insults. And the marriage was considered dissolved. But such unpleasant incidents occurred very rarely. An Armenian girl from birth is brought up according to the traditions and moral norms of Armenia. Caucasian girls are considered a model of modesty and chastity throughout the world.
There used to be a “Red Apple” tradition, after the first wedding night, the mother-in-law would hang a sheet with a bloody stain in the yard as proof that the girl was a virgin at the time of intercourse. Any passerby or resident of the village could look at this sheet and also make sure of this.
KNOWLEDGE BASE: The most original weddings that surprised the world (photo)
If all the canons were followed and the girl was truly pure, then she was given a red apple with silver coins. And her mother was sent a large basket with red apples, a bottle of cognac or wine and a live chicken - as a sign that the mother raised her daughter correctly.
Otherwise, if the bride was defamed even before marriage, she was placed, backwards, on a donkey. And they sent us for a ride along the main street. So that everyone can see and know about the girl’s unworthy behavior.
In the end, we can conclude that Armenia is a proud nation. Which honors and respects the traditions of its ancestors. He is also very sensitive to his honor and dignity. Armenian women are role models, a standard of modesty, decency and chastity.
"Institute of Virginity"
“It’s a terrible tradition, and I have a very bad attitude towards it. I don’t know how it is there from a cultural point of view, but from the perspective of life in a progressive society, there shouldn’t be a “red apple,” says Hakob.
Hakob has been married for several years. His story is not entirely typical for Armenia, since before the wedding he and his future wife had sex. In Armenia, it is still customary for a girl not to have sexual intercourse before marriage, and premarital sex is considered something shameful.
“The institution of virginity is still important in Armenia. Our people are very proud. For men, it’s downright unacceptable that there was someone else before you. For many guys, it’s even a problem if the girl was dating someone,” says Hakob.
In Yerevan, the tradition of the “red apple” is now almost not observed. In the regions the situation is different.
Sarkis grew up in a traditional Armenian family in the Gegharkunik region - 130 kilometers from the capital. He moved to Yerevan at the age of 18. Here he received a higher education and decided not to return to the village. Unless you have a wedding there.
The morning after the wedding, his mother did not go into the newlyweds’ bedroom; she only asked her son if “everything was okay.” Having received a positive answer, she began to prepare the basket.
According to tradition, those same red apples are placed in the basket, symbolizing traces of blood on the sheet, cognac, sweets and fruits. The basket is taken to the bride's house by the groom's exclusively female relatives. Men do not take part in this.
“Our mothers agreed in advance how many people from our side would go to visit the bride’s family, since her mother was supposed to give gifts,” says Sarkis.
By noon, all the neighbors, as well as aunts and sisters, had already gathered in his house. “In our area, all the women my mother interacted with were invited. And everyone came. This is a kind of opportunity to boast of the purity of the son’s chosen one. The same composition was assembled in the bride’s house when baskets were brought there from us.”
Despite the fact that Sarkis decided to observe the “apple tradition,” he calls this ceremony meaningless: “If a couple loves and respects each other, then it should not concern the others whether they had sex before the wedding or not. For most people, sex happens for the first time on their wedding night - for the bride this is already tension and excitement, and then there is also a test in the morning.”
Sarkis explains the observance of tradition by the fact that the wedding took place in the village.
“If the wedding had been in the city, our parents would have simply called and discussed everything over the phone. But since everything happened in the village, one could say that everyone there is just waiting for this - the results of the “check”. And if the results are not announced, it will become a reason for gossip. This tradition puts young people in an awkward position. At this point it becomes embarrassing,” he says.
In Armenia, newlyweds very often prefer to spend their first wedding night in some hotel in the city of Tsakhkadzor. This is one of the main resort cities in the country. As a rule, a cottage or room is rented there, which is decorated for the arrival of the newlyweds. The couple spends one or two days there.
“I didn’t leave because people might think that we had our wedding night before the wedding, and we don’t want them to know about it. To avoid these conversations, I had to stay,” notes Sarkis.
Interesting traditions
Of course, great importance was attached to the bride's chastity, as a sign of which her mother received gifts from the new matchmaker . Previously, it was slaughtered chicken, red apples, wine or cognac. Nowadays, the matchmaker is usually given only a basket of red apples.
The absence of such a gift was considered a great shame for the family, since she was unable to preserve her daughter’s chastity and, as a result, give her a good upbringing. Of course, in the modern world this fact is not viewed so critically, however, they try to follow traditions.
Regarding the ring on my left hand. They explain this by saying that this way the wedding ring is closer to the heart, and as a result the marriage is much stronger. Although usually Orthodox Christians wear a ring on their right hand, since this tradition dates back to the founding of the church and has received a lot of confirmation in the form of icons that depict the wedding of Mary. Although, as modern practice has shown, which hand the ring is worn on is everyone’s free choice.
However, Armenians are a distinctive culture, so they wear a ring on their left hand. Historians have not yet determined the origins of this tradition. Indeed, besides the fact that the ring is worn on the left hand, their wedding rites are practically no different from other Orthodox Christians.
It is also worth noting that a wedding in Armenia is a holiday for all relatives and neighbors, and in some cases for the whole village. The celebration is held on a very large scale. This tradition continues to this day. Previously, depending on the number of village residents, even before reaching adulthood, parents had already begun to save money and stock up on wine and cognac for the wedding.
Therefore, when the time came, the wedding took place on such a scale that it is difficult for residents of modern cities to even imagine. After all, not only all residents of the village were invited, but also relatives from other countries came. Therefore, the fun turned out to be simply grandiose. After all, the bride’s parents were happy that their daughter was getting married. Accordingly, the groom's parents were happy that their son had become an adult and started his own family. Therefore, nothing was spared to celebrate the wedding.
Right to the first wedding night
