Matchmaking traditions are ancient customs and procedures performed to obtain permission from the bride's parents for marriage. Today, matchmaking is rather a tribute and respect to the past, because young people make the decision to conduct the ceremony regardless of the opinion of their parents. The article describes how matchmaking should be carried out correctly on the part of the groom, what to say to the matchmakers and what signs there are for the bride's friends for matchmaking.
Matchmaking tradition
Young people who have secured the consent of their chosen one for marriage, as a rule, relax. They believe that all the frightening and exciting moments are left behind. It's hard to imagine a more exciting event than a marriage proposal. Doubts and fear of being rejected will make even confident men pretty nervous. But the real test awaits the groom a little later. As soon as the young man relaxes and calms down in anticipation of the fateful day, suddenly matchmaking “appears” on the horizon of events.
Matchmaking was necessary in order to introduce the parents and relatives of the bride and groom. In Rus', the word of the father of the family carried enormous weight, and if he refused, the wedding might not take place at all. Therefore, the main thing for the groom’s matchmakers was to make a favorable impression on the bride’s father and present the “daring merchant” in a favorable light. The bride’s side had to provide a worthy reception, thereby showing that they were not in poverty, and that receiving grooms was almost a daily routine for them.
Now, when the decision to marry is made by two independent adults, matchmaking is nothing more than a tribute to tradition and fun for the older generation. A young couple, as a rule, does not deny such small things to their relatives, which does not detract from the importance and experiences associated with arranging matchmaking.
Who can be the groom's matchmaker?
Matchmakers on the groom's side do not have to be relatives. You can choose a close friend for the honorary role. The main requirement is a lively character, lack of excessive modesty and an excellent sense of humor, coupled with the ability to drink strong drinks. The words of the matchmakers on the part of the groom at the matchmaking may seem strange, outdated and even slightly provocative; it is important that the chosen person does not stammer or blush while making a speech.
There are also no age restrictions when choosing matchmakers. Young people, as a rule, are more “punchy” and persistent, they take things “impudently” and with courage. Older people may already know what to say to matchmakers and will quickly find a common language with the bride’s parents.
The groom was accompanied to the matchmaking by his father or godfather as moral support. It was not forbidden to choose a woman as a matchmaker, but a visit to the bride’s house should have looked random, as if “they were passing by” - they decided to look in, and then “a flower grew in the garden.” Therefore, it is not customary for a large and noisy crowd to come to matchmaking.
A little bit of history
Matchmaking in Rus' took place in every family, regardless of class. There were many traditions and superstitions associated with the ritual, which they tried to observe.
Matchmakers were honorary residents of the village or village, the number of whom could be any, because the bride was chosen more for procreation than for the groom. In some provinces, clergy and even matchmakers could act as matchmakers. The main goal of both was to praise the merits of the bride or groom and remain silent about their shortcomings.
The ceremony took place mainly after sunset. The groom and his matchmakers rode up to the bride's house on horseback and, having entered the bride's house, performed some actions customary in the area (for example, opening the oven door). Based on these actions, the bride's parents understood the intentions of the guests and invited them into the house. Next, there was a conversation between the groom and the bride’s father, and, in his absence, with his older brother.
A samovar and a loaf of bread were always placed on the table. While the bride was pouring tea, the groom could see her advantages. After the meal, the matchmakers praised the virtues of the groom, his farmland, and property in order to receive a dowry for the bride and learn more about her.
After the consent of the parents, a date was set for the “official” matchmaking, where the groom’s parents were already present and the dates of the wedding were discussed.
How to dress for matchmakers
The clothes of matchmakers in the past were neat and elegant, but in general they differed little from everyday ones. Men wore an embroidered shirt and the best boots, women wore light makeup and wore a kokoshnik instead of a scarf. A distinctive feature of the matchmakers were embroidered towels tied over the shoulder. The bride and groom were supposed to dress smartly in everything new.
Today, relatives and young people must decide for themselves whether they will wear traditional costumes or not. If the matchmakers don’t mind, then it’s acceptable if only they wear the suits. In fact, it will be enough to tie the ribbon over your regular clothes.
The bride and groom go to the groom's house
It also happens that the newlyweds go to the groom’s house, and he introduces them to his chosen one, and the bride gives his mother flowers. Next, they ask the bride about her and her family, and then give them their blessing. Matchmaking on the part of the groom can also happen this way: the groom sends matchmakers to his future wife. Parents can act as matchmakers; he can come on the second day to receive a blessing.
Today, the matchmaking scenario for the bride and groom is basically one that makes it possible to discuss all wedding issues. It includes counting the number of guests, then determining where the wedding will be celebrated, what menu to order, how to decorate the banquet hall, and so on.
Responsibilities of matchmakers on the part of the groom
The task of the matchmakers on the part of the groom is to conduct a conversation about the wedding smoothly and easily, but at the same time with hints and omissions. This tradition is associated with a possible refusal, which was a blow to the groom’s good name. When the request was expressed vaguely and vaguely, then the refusal should have been made in the same form, which was considered less offensive.
Matchmakers had to be quick-witted and understand hints and unspoken phrases. There is a whole list of phrases and sayings that should be said to the groom’s matchmakers during matchmaking. Sayings vary slightly depending on the region of the country.
The image above shows examples of what to say in matchmaking to the bride and groom's matchmakers. The list includes forms for consent and polite refusal. Phrase: “Thank you for love, matchmaker; but now we don’t want to give away the girls” - meant that the parents doubted and asked for time to think, but did not completely refuse and would accept matchmakers another time.
Features of the modern bride's matchmaking scenario and Russian customs
Matchmaking on the part of the bride, as well as on the part of the groom, is the same tribute to tradition. Today, matchmaking differs significantly from ancient rituals. Although this event is celebrated on a smaller scale than in ancient times, this ritual is an excellent opportunity to introduce the families of the bride and groom.
Many people think that matchmaking is no longer relevant, but in fact it is a very cool event for all participants
Many people believe that observing the traditions of matchmaking and engagement are relics of the past, but these customs still require compliance with certain subtleties and rules. How to get married in a modern way?
Material support for the pre-wedding ceremony
On the appointed day, the future groom and his family come to the bride's parental home to receive their blessing. The meeting of two families usually takes place at the bride's home. To relieve some tension, it is quite possible to organize this meeting in a neutral place.
The ransom in the chest is a fun intrigue
The main costs of the matchmaking ceremony fall on the shoulders of the bride's parents. This includes preparing the premises, purchasing the necessary details, and setting the festive table.
The future groom, in turn, must give flowers to his future wife and mother-in-law. Don't ignore your future father-in-law. You can give him cigars or good cognac. Well, if the father-in-law has no bad habits, then you can consult the bride about the gift.
According to folk customs, the groom must buy his beloved a ring with a stone. With this ring he will ask his beloved for her hand in marriage. A girl does not remove a gift received from her beloved until the wedding.
A diamond ring for matchmaking is definitely a good omen
During the wedding, it will be complemented by a wedding ring. Depending on desire and material well-being, the mother-in-law can also give a gift to the bride. According to tradition, this is a gold chain.
Props to create the appropriate setting
To conduct matchmaking according to the modern scenario, you will need the following details:
- A towel that will be used to tie the matchmaker (it must then be given to the newlyweds, they will need it for further registration and wedding, and they will also accept the first-born child through the threshold);
- Loaf (the bride cuts the bread as a sign of consent; the whole thing must be eaten);
- Money in change;
- Snacks, alcoholic drinks;
- A small glass or jar of honey;
- Sprout (according to ancient customs, if the name of the plant is male, a boy should be born first, and vice versa);
- Present.
Decoration of the event venue
The place where the matchmaking ceremony will take place can be decorated in folk style. You can hang sunflowers, towels and multi-colored satin ribbons everywhere. You can put a pumpkin at the threshold, but keep in mind, this will mean that the bride’s parents are against giving their daughter to the arriving groom. Therefore, you can warn the matchmakers that this is just a symbol of the festivities.
The festive table is the key to a constructive dialogue between interested parties!
Traditional dishes and drinks are placed on the festive table. For example, you can serve mead to guests and matchmakers, and cook food in clay pots, like in the old days. It is very important not to forget about the loaf! You can also make a symbolic dowry; at one time it played a significant role.
Matchmaking plan from the bride's side
The beginning is the arrival of the future groom to the house of his beloved’s parents at a pre-agreed time. The main task of the bride is to mentally prepare her parents for such a visit.
The young man turns to the bride’s parents asking for their daughter’s hand in marriage, expressing his sincere feelings and good intentions.
Usually, a matchmaker is invited for the matchmaking ceremony; as a rule, this is either the groom’s own or godfather.
Next, the bride’s parents come to the fore. They give their consent and blessing to this marriage, after which it is the bride’s turn to meet her future mother-in-law and father-in-law. It is very important to maintain a sense of proportion; the bride’s first visit to the house should not be delayed.
Why do you need parental blessing?
In Rus', the father of the family had the final say in permission for a wedding. Very often, the basis for consent was the financial situation of the groom and the bride’s family. Often the bride was against her father’s decision, but did not have the right to object or challenge it. This state of affairs was typical not only for peasant and merchant families, but also among the nobility.
In Russian painting, a large number of works are dedicated to unhappy brides. But such cases were not common practice. Parents loved their children and in most cases were interested in their opinion before agreeing to marriage, although they tried to influence their children. “It’s not the wealth where you go, but what you make yourself” is one of the possible phrases of the groom’s matchmakers’ answer if the material condition was a sensitive topic.
The opinion of parents even now is of great importance, so the approval of the closest and dearest people in the life of the bride and groom plays an important role. This is another reason to arrange matchmaking. Even if the relationship between the groom and the bride’s parents is not the warmest, matchmaking is an excellent opportunity to try to change an already established opinion.
Matchmakers from the groom came to the bride's house
Both the old and modern scenario for the bride's matchmaking is as follows: the headman from the groom comes to the house of the bride's parents. This must be an adult representative man: father, brother, grandfather, uncle or closest relative. The groom is silent and only answers questions from the bride's parents. Matchmaking usually begins with the words: “You have a product, we have a merchant,” they must tell their parents from the threshold what they came for and for what purpose.
The groom's matchmakers usually praise him, telling him how good and skillful he is. They talk about his occupation, education, lifestyle, wealth, and what a wonderful husband he will be for their daughter. If the matchmaker has no complexes, then they can carry out the matchmaking in a playful and humorous manner, having previously taken a funny scenario for the bride’s parents. You can come up with scenario options yourself or take them from the Internet or magazines. You can perform a skit in the form of a comedy with various competitions and jokes, so in a playful way you can clarify all questions and formalities.
No matter what the scenario, the groom must take care of symbolic gifts for the bride's parents. Usually they give flowers or some kind of souvenirs in memory of the matchmaking. Pleasant little things can always smooth out and brighten an acquaintance, as well as improve communication between people. Try to diversify the matchmaking scenario to make it fun and interesting, and most importantly, memorable for both the groom and the bride’s parents for life.
What should matchmakers do with a loaf?
It is not customary in Russian tradition to go to visit empty-handed. A loaf of bread will be an excellent treat for the bride’s table from the groom’s matchmakers. Bread has always played a huge role in the culture of the Slavs. “Bread is the head of everything,” said the cultivators, millers and bakers.
It is very important to learn what phrases to say to the groom’s matchmakers at the matchmaking ceremony, but it won’t hurt to prepare a loaf of bread either. By presenting skillfully made bread, the groom will show respect to the bride's parents. Also, a young man can take a bouquet of flowers for his future mother-in-law.
What do matchmakers get treated to?
It was a matter of honor for any family to receive matchmakers richly. People used to say, “A skinny groom will show a great man the way,” so they greeted guests with all the cordiality and hospitality. The dishes on the table depended on the time of year. They always tried to cook the meat of domestic animals or poultry, if the family was rich, a lot of pickles, mushrooms, vegetables, prepared various holiday pies, pies and jam. Many matchmaking sayings are related to food, examples are shown in the image below.
The hostesses tried to serve their glasses, drunk for show, because it is better to discuss the organization of a wedding celebration sober; after all, the purpose of the event is not celebration.
Sayings and traditional sayings of matchmakers from the groom's side
The main task for matchmakers when preparing for matchmaking on the part of the groom is what to say to the bride’s matchmakers. There are no ready-made texts, as such, for memorization. There is a set of standard phrases and sayings that have been preserved from past times. Matchmakers must have considerable eloquence and be able to smoothly and smoothly combine outdated expressions and modern jokes in their speech. The use of many surviving expressions is not always appropriate, because the meaning of some words and combinations eludes modern people.
The list contains not only phrases that the groom’s matchmakers say at the matchmaking ceremony, but also possible answers from the bride’s parents. The receiving party should also be well prepared for the visit and learn a lot of tricky words. In order not to lose face, you need to familiarize yourself with the sample answers and be prepared to answer correctly. Immediately after meeting the owners of the house, the groom's matchmakers had to intricately outline the purpose of their visit. Approximate wording can be found in the list shown in the image above. More modern formulations are also possible, for example, “You have a product, we have a merchant.” An explanation of the purpose of the visit is also acceptable in a humorous form: “You have a lump of dough and we have a lump of dough, can’t we put them in one place?”
Also very colorful are the phrases praising the groom, as well as demands to present the bride for “evaluation” to the matchmakers, for example, “We need not rye or wheat, but a red maiden.” After introducing the matchmakers to each other and parents, mutual assurances of the “quality of the goods” and “the solvency of the merchant,” guests and hosts, accompanied by characteristic phrases, should move to the table with refreshments and discuss the details of the wedding without hints and inaccuracies.
How to determine that matchmaking has taken place?
Initially, one visit to the bride's parents might not have been enough. Either the words of the matchmakers on the part of the groom at the matchmaking were not very convincing, or the bride doubted the correctness of the choice, and the father indulged her, but the groom could ask for permission for the wedding for a long time and repeatedly. Doubts did not arise only in the case of the sincere feelings of the young people, the decent age of the bride, or her lack of a dowry.
Young couples can breathe a sigh of relief if relatives did not quarrel during matchmaking and were able to reach certain agreements, then the event was definitely a success. Even if they were unable to make specific decisions about the date, venue and financial issue of the wedding, this is just an excuse to meet in a quiet and cozy atmosphere for a more serious conversation.
Matchmakers should evaluate their work by the amount of laughter and fun at the meeting. The more the newlyweds and their parents smile, the more confidently we can say that the groom has coped with his responsibilities as matchmakers.
What should the groom do during matchmaking?
A young man can also ask his parents about his chosen one’s dowry. He briefly talks about his intentions and feelings for his chosen one. He talks about how he will take care of her and protect her, how he will not let anyone offend. He talks about being a good husband and father. In general, he must say everything that all parents want to hear in order to be calm about the fate of their daughter. Then the father and mother give their consent to their marriage and invite the groom's parents to their place to set the wedding day and discuss all organizational issues.
